It’s November folks! NOVEMBER!! Argh, I’m completely unprepared for this. Not for NaNoWriMo. Not for the trip to France. Certainly not for my novel to wrap up before the end of year. I’m so overwhelmed!!
I’m going to pack this weekend. Not leaving until mid next week but heck, it’s been a while since I’ve done any long-distance traveling. I also need to buy so many things – mainly makeup. So apparently the dry weather here (I mean So Cal was and is literally on fire; pretty close to where I live too. ) got my skin freaking out. I’ve developed either eczema or seborrheic dermatitis (had to google that word!) or something, and it’s annoying af because not only does it look crazy, but I literally don’t have any heavy coverage concealer that matches my skintone. Because I had combination skin (had, keyword) I always used very sheer coverage items, and I have horrible undereye circles so my concealers are two shades lighter than my light foundation. Now I have these ghastly red peeling skin and I have nothing to cover it up properly! Totally sucks – and, yeah, I’m certainly not walking around in PARIS looking like crazy. Don’t worry, I scheduled an appointment with a dermatologist, but I won’t be able to see them until I get back. Until I get a prescription cream to help it’s the magical power of makeup to the rescue.
Anyway, didn’t mean to go on that tangent. It’s like the least of my problems but it all adds up you know? I don’t think I need to see my therapist – yet – I can’t schedule a session anyway because he only schedules two weeks in advance. Meanwhile I might just make a new journal and just, confess everything that’s bothering me every day in that. You know he did tell me to do this as a strategy to cope before. After I got my depression and anxiety under control I stopped doing it. I really should pick that back up again. It’s definitely stifling my creativeness, and I can’t let that happen. I’ve got a book to finish after all.
I made a mood tracking page today in my bullet journal. The idea came when I was looking through Habitica (my productivity tracking software – I have a lot of trackers, okay??) and they had a challenge thing that say you should try to track your mood, three times a day, for a month. Well, October is the only month I actually don’t have to be anywhere else for an extended amount of time, so I thought why not? Made a tracker in my bujo and off we go.
Just so you know this morning I already woke up stressed. Don’t want to go into detail, but it was just me not ‘adulting’ right and general anxiety issues. I guess if I look through arguably my least crazy month this year and find out I’m stressed most of the time, maybe I should go back to my therapist. But then again, if things are getting done and I’m progressing forward, do I really have to go check myself? Major signs of depression is inability to do anything, right? I don’t think I’m depressed, because I’m still doing things (not at my peak capacity, but still doing things and not just, say, playing video games all day). If everything makes me anxious but I squash the anxiety and do everything anyway, and I don’t want to take more pills, does going to a therapist accomplish anything more?
(In the past I’ve only gone to my therapist when I couldn’t get anything done, as in I just lay in bed for weeks on end. Or stare at a blank page for three month in fear while not putting down a single word even though I already know what to write. Stuff like that. If I’m stressed while working but still working I’m categorizing that as ‘a normal adult life with responsibilities.’)
So I guess we’ll find out in a month how stressed I really am, and compare how much work I got done, and establish a baseline. That way I’ll know when stress is too much and impacting my productivity, and when it isn’t. Could be a good idea. And don’t worry, I can recognize when I’ve fallen off the edge and need to see a therapist again. I just don’t think it’s necessary right now.
I’ve been bitten by the lack of motivation bug lately. By lately I mean, well, most of this year so far, barring the super productive month I had of April and the two months before that where I was as sick as a dog and couldn’t even sit up to look at my computer. The point is, my May and June should’ve both been as productive as April, but they’re totally not. And I’m a little pissed off about it.
I know people get discouraged a lot in life. Most people have to just keep pushing no matter what, and I’m definitely on the luckier side in which I won’t starve and be homeless even if I don’t do much. I mean I won’t be rich by any means, but I can get by. And that just makes me feel really, really bad. Like I’m a leech on society. My work is definitely self-motivated, and there are so many people who work so hard and see absolutely zero recognition in the field of writing (and no money whatsoever). I’m accepting of that; I don’t expect fame and I don’t expect J.K. Rowling level of money. Hell, I don’t expect Gregory Maguire level of money and fame (I don’t actually know how much Gregory Maguire makes, I assume much less than Rowling but still significant. Plus, he’s a name people have heard of, and if you haven’t, well, he wrote the book the Broadway musical Wicked was based on.) I don’t expect fame at all, with maybe enough money to scrape by, but that’s not what I’m angry about. There’s a huge difference between you finish a book, get it published, and it doesn’t sell well; and you never finish the book in the first place, and you’re afraid of even picking up the damn, metaphorical pen.
I know people who’re passionate about their projects and their jobs who live and breathe the stuff. I wish I could just devote myself to the project, like those folks do, 24/7. It’s stressful just thinking about the work right now, and I’m not sure what exact steps I can take to address this. You know my husband once did say that maybe I’m actually more suited to a more traditional job, and if that’s the case, too late now! There’s nowhere to go but forward, even though every steps is more (mentally) painful than the last, and I can’t really see the end any time soon.