Work · Writing

End of Month Update

Well, today is April 30th, and I utterly failed in Camp NaNoWriMo this month. Yep, 100% didn’t meet it. I partially blame all the life stuff that happened this month. Covid vaccine sign-up and subsequent visits. My s.o. quitting and starting a new job (and the headache of health insurance changes that came with it). I contacting my doctor to discuss our plan to start IVF again and all that involved (I’m on birth control again and it’s really messing with my hormones/weight/headache/fatigue level). You know, life things! Coupled that with me being nervous about finally submitting something to my writer’s group – yeah, my head space was not all there this month, which is an issue. Because I’m kind of pushing close to my self-imposed deadline now. Here’s some more details.

So I talked to my s.o. about my work last year and I said that I’ll give him an assessment of how it is by the end of June this year. Now, I’m planning to finish my novel by the end of this year, but I also set a deadline of finishing the first part (there are three parts) of the novel by end of June. I gave myself more time at the beginning because I figure it’ll take me a while to ramp up. And it did! Oh boy did it take a while. I’m not proud that finally, finally managed to move on from chapter 5 – this is the one I’m submitting for my group, btw – and it has taken me a good chuck of half a year to get there. Granted, it was a very tumultuous half a year because of all the pregnancy then miscarriage then grief and all. So I’m not blaming myself too much for unable to create while being in that emotional state. However, I’ve been past that emotional state for a while now, and it still took months to wrap up ONE chapter. Boy. I’m not looking forward to meeting that June deadline. I told my s.o. that if I just cannot get myself to finish I’m going to stop writing this novel, and probably quit being a writer altogether. Because you know, sometimes you just gotta give up when you know you can’t do it. (I know people love to say “Never Give Up!!!!” Um, sometimes it’s smarter if you do. I’m sorry but it is. Sometimes you take a deep, hard look at yourself and you think, yeah, time to change course.) And then I’m going to take a coding course and then try to be an engineer, or find an actual job before I age out of finding a career altogether. No I’m not there yet! I still have time, but it’s getting pretty close.

(There’s also the fact that I really think I might have adult ADHD and need some medication. Maybe once I actually get some Adderall or whatever everything will be awesome and I’ll be a productivity machine. Who knows. I’ll reassess if that happens, after the whole Covid and new insurance and everything.)

I don’t know how I’ll fare but the next two months are going to be very, very important. I am going to see in May, first, if I can at all keep a work schedule if I try. Like, in the middle of April I just gave up, you know? And I really, really need to stop doing that. Like I said I still have time and I cannot waste it away being all dejected or moody or whatever! I’m going to seriously see how many chapters I can do in the next two months to determine if I can at all come close to finishing. Actually, with the way my mind works, if I don’t think about finishing and just write, it may work better. Like, if I just stick to fill out all the hours instead of having a goal of where to stop ahead of time, I tend to go further. I feel like I can only plan 1-3 days ahead at a time, which is horrible, but if I go any further I freeze up under pressure and then I just stop doing anything and go cry on the bed all day, you know? Hmm, that actually gave me an idea of how to setup my bullet journal more efficiently. Anyway, not important, the important thing is that I need to tackle the rest of the year, and it starts with May.

Life

Bad News

Got my blood test back. I am, unfortunately, not pregnant as of this time.

Yes, I am sad. My husband is faring worse than me. The doctor remains optimistic. There’s only a 60% chance that it would succeed, after all, and I have enough embryos to try again. I’m just sad that I went through all the painful shots for two weeks for nothing so far. Oh well. Five more times until I run out, right? Although if I keep on trying and it just ain’t happening maybe at some point I’ll reassess. But now is definitely not that time. It’s only my first try after all.

So the current plan is to stop all meds until I have my period again. And on the first day of my period I call my doctor and I guess we just do the whole shebang once more and hope for the best? So it’ll be at least two weeks before anything happens – enough time for my super bruised and sore buttock muscles to recover, at least (only to be jabbed more later but, I digress). I read it takes an average of three tries to get pregnant this way, so, hope?

I’m not feeling great today but I’m sure I’ll feel better soon. It just means that I have to do the procedures again and again until it sticks (and, * sigh *, more Covid testing). Like I wrote yesterday, it’s mostly out of my hands, so spending too much energy being sad doesn’t help. Better conserve it for the next chance. Meanwhile I will think and post about happier things, like books I’m reading. (Oh hey, I finally started reading books and finishing them again. Wow. Been years since I’ve done so.) So yeah, it’s not all anxiety and gloom on the horizon.

But maybe just a little bit, today.