Work · Writing

Work Update

Well, folks, it’s been a while. I had such high hopes for July but I guess I was not prepared of the toll the whole biopsy thing had taken on my body. The PIO injections were so painful! I basically have to slot in extra times in the day to exercise/massage so I can keep the pain controllable without taking too many painkillers. I know it eventually will be more manageable, but it definitely was not the first week after a whole year of rest. With all that physical baggage I basically copped out of writing the whole month. Isn’t that always the case, though? If it’s not this medical thing it’s something else. I just have very little will when it comes a lot of things and I’m not happy about that. So, new month, new beginnings, new resolutions.

One thing I did realize is that I need a central notebook, reminder list, something tangible, to keep my goals in sight. Like, I have to write something down (not just type out a blog) that is concretely related to my writing in order to keep motivated. If I don’t I literally lose track of where I am in my novel process and then nothing even gets planned, let alone get done. I’m not sure if this happens to other people normally or just people with ADHD or what. But yeah, out of sight, out of mind forever. (Could be a visual learner thing?) Anyway, luckily (unluckily for my wallet, but for me, yes) JetPens keep on stocking things I want so I bought more notebooks, and I’m going to use them as a ledger of sorts. Yesterday I used a very cheap notebook (new stuff hasn’t arrived yet) to start, and I wrote down in large, colorful bullets what I have done with my novel, and this morning I thought in detail about what I will accomplish with my novel today. Achievable, but concrete steps (so none of the “this character is going to do this thing somehow” or “I will brainstorm the third section of the plot”, but more like “move everything from this file to the new one” and “edit these five sentences, then these five paragraphs, etc.), and I’m going to keep this up every day. I will also find a suitable notebook to compile everything I’ve done by the week’s end, just so I can look at it and see, here’s step 1 – 10 you’ve done. Next week do step 11- 20. There will be 100 steps total. Get to it! I think this will actually keep me on track. I’m beginning to truly realize and embrace that I am a planner, a neurotically obsessed chronological planner, so the only way for me to work is do things like steps in a chemistry experiment, or follows a recipe, and not some nebulous concept that a more free-flow-thinking kind of person could just magically make do as work.

My plan for August is very work-focused. Since July fell through, I’m hoping this month I’ll really, really, really kick myself in gear. I’ll let you know mid-month how it’s going. Crossing my fingers that my fickle brain would actually work for real this time. Then I’d know I finally have an achievable schedule.

Work · Writing

End of Month Update

Well, today is April 30th, and I utterly failed in Camp NaNoWriMo this month. Yep, 100% didn’t meet it. I partially blame all the life stuff that happened this month. Covid vaccine sign-up and subsequent visits. My s.o. quitting and starting a new job (and the headache of health insurance changes that came with it). I contacting my doctor to discuss our plan to start IVF again and all that involved (I’m on birth control again and it’s really messing with my hormones/weight/headache/fatigue level). You know, life things! Coupled that with me being nervous about finally submitting something to my writer’s group – yeah, my head space was not all there this month, which is an issue. Because I’m kind of pushing close to my self-imposed deadline now. Here’s some more details.

So I talked to my s.o. about my work last year and I said that I’ll give him an assessment of how it is by the end of June this year. Now, I’m planning to finish my novel by the end of this year, but I also set a deadline of finishing the first part (there are three parts) of the novel by end of June. I gave myself more time at the beginning because I figure it’ll take me a while to ramp up. And it did! Oh boy did it take a while. I’m not proud that finally, finally managed to move on from chapter 5 – this is the one I’m submitting for my group, btw – and it has taken me a good chuck of half a year to get there. Granted, it was a very tumultuous half a year because of all the pregnancy then miscarriage then grief and all. So I’m not blaming myself too much for unable to create while being in that emotional state. However, I’ve been past that emotional state for a while now, and it still took months to wrap up ONE chapter. Boy. I’m not looking forward to meeting that June deadline. I told my s.o. that if I just cannot get myself to finish I’m going to stop writing this novel, and probably quit being a writer altogether. Because you know, sometimes you just gotta give up when you know you can’t do it. (I know people love to say “Never Give Up!!!!” Um, sometimes it’s smarter if you do. I’m sorry but it is. Sometimes you take a deep, hard look at yourself and you think, yeah, time to change course.) And then I’m going to take a coding course and then try to be an engineer, or find an actual job before I age out of finding a career altogether. No I’m not there yet! I still have time, but it’s getting pretty close.

(There’s also the fact that I really think I might have adult ADHD and need some medication. Maybe once I actually get some Adderall or whatever everything will be awesome and I’ll be a productivity machine. Who knows. I’ll reassess if that happens, after the whole Covid and new insurance and everything.)

I don’t know how I’ll fare but the next two months are going to be very, very important. I am going to see in May, first, if I can at all keep a work schedule if I try. Like, in the middle of April I just gave up, you know? And I really, really need to stop doing that. Like I said I still have time and I cannot waste it away being all dejected or moody or whatever! I’m going to seriously see how many chapters I can do in the next two months to determine if I can at all come close to finishing. Actually, with the way my mind works, if I don’t think about finishing and just write, it may work better. Like, if I just stick to fill out all the hours instead of having a goal of where to stop ahead of time, I tend to go further. I feel like I can only plan 1-3 days ahead at a time, which is horrible, but if I go any further I freeze up under pressure and then I just stop doing anything and go cry on the bed all day, you know? Hmm, that actually gave me an idea of how to setup my bullet journal more efficiently. Anyway, not important, the important thing is that I need to tackle the rest of the year, and it starts with May.