Work · Writing

Goal!

Alright, so after some turbulent, stressful hours (days?), I finally finished Step 7 of the Snowflake Method for my novel planning. It’s not quite the step outlined in the official Snowflake Method since I made changes because of where I am with my novel, more akin to Step 8 where you’re making a detailed outline. Anyway, I just want to declare that, finally, I’ve completed my outline for the whole novel. And boy, it is a lot. Super plot-heavy and I’m still not sure about all the transition parts and character developments and all that, but those are worry for another day. Today, I’m happy I got this step done. Felt like I had a mini-heart attack every time I sat down to work on this. But it is over! Done!

I’ve discovered that it was mostly the middle part that really messed me up. The beginning third I’ve more or less already written, and the last third I have a pretty good idea because I know how I want things to end up. But the middle third I was struggling for real! Took some insanely long time to hash out the outline for that part, it was like pulling teeth! I broke a 11-line outline into two separate days because I had a colossal headache trying to get everything to flow. It was so stupid and crappy. But I got through it, and once I moved on to the last third things went much, much faster. So as of now I am officially done with the outline part, and all that’s left is a comprehensive review of everything I’ve done, and then I can go back and resume my writing. You know, the most important aspect of writing a novel, that part.

But that’s for the Next Week Me to figure out. Today Me will take it easy and have a relaxing weekend, because I deserve a little bit of downtime. The grind can wait.

Work

Demotivated, But Managing

I don’t know what is up with me this week. I’m blaming Super Bowl haha. Despite what I’ve written a few days ago I’m not really getting my motivation up. Didn’t do any work yesterday except some blogging and organizing. Just, my heart’s not in it. Which is dumb, because right now I’m still in basic outline phase, not even that, so I shouldn’t even be stressed about how bad my writing is going because I literally haven’t “written” anything yet. Anyway, reason is never in the equation when it comes to motivation, it looks like. In addition, I think having people over for the Super Bowl (by people I mean literally one person who’s triple-vaccinated and is super careful) makes me feel like my house is in utter disarray (it probably is, but I also might be too hard on myself. There’s no telling.) So I’ve just been thinking about what to clean, and planning to do it all tomorrow since today I want to work.

But here’s the problem: I can’t just leave everything to tomorrow. Why? Because I want to work more tomorrow, and just saving all the cleaning to Saturday not only messes up my Saturday work schedule, it also messes up my Friday work. I don’t know why, but I can’t just be like “leave everything for later concentrate on this one thing for now”. I mentally cannot. All that does is makes me think about all the stuff I have to do tomorrow and then obsess over it today, which means I don’t get to focus on anything else today either. So I’ve decided to just do some cleaning right now, before I even start writing. I’m going to vacuum later, and maybe dust the tv console. It means that I would have saved time tomorrow and that thought makes me more motivated to work today. I don’t know if that makes sense or the logic is super circular, but yeah. That’s the gist of it.

So now I’m going to work, hopefully, and also hopefully by Sunday my house is suitable for guests. Crossing my fingers.

Life

New Year Resolution Time

Yes, it’s time for the good old New Year Resolutions. To be honest, my track record with this is on par with the average person’s, which is basically abysmal. You set your goal to lose 20 pounds this year? Chances are you either didn’t lose any, or actually gained some, and you’re out of money because you signed up for that gym membership and you never went. Total cliché. So I really never bothered with this tradition. But that is not the case this year! 2021 – the year that I WILL get things done, one way or another.

So I had a serious talk with my s.o. last night and he’s rightfully concerned about my career progress. Or utter lack there of, as I still am nowhere close to finish my novel, five years in. We discussed it in detail and have decided that, I shall give myself six more months before considering switching course. So on June 30th I will give him a check-in. If I’m on track to finish the novel by the end of the year, great! Keep going! Writing is still my career. If I have fallen off course again, then it’s likely I’ll never be able to finish this novel no matter what I say – you know, the proof is in the pudding and all. Being a writer for me maybe is not the right path, and so I need to accept that and move on. So if by June 30th I’ve still got nothing done, then I will stop writing for a while, and find an actual job, by either taking a class in coding (something I always wanted to try) or see if a friend of mine can hook me up with one of those job-help programs that’s designed to help folks with giant gaps in their résumés (like women who took off 10 years to raise their kids, or they had to take care of a sick relative, etc. And no, I did not know this program was a thing either until my friend told me). Or just apply blind to any job and hopefully get something. Either way, I move ahead instead of dawdling in place. Still a good thing.

So yeah, my one New Year Resolution is write like my life depends on it until June 30th. Then depends on the outcome, I either still choose writing as a career or I go find another career before I become broke and homeless. The end. (Well I still might be broke even if I do finish my novel, but that’s a different issue requiring a different strategy. Right now I need to tackle this thing first.)

Life

Have You Ever

Have you ever had one of those days when you just hate everything? I’m not trying to be teenage dramatic, I meant it in the way that your job had gone to the toilets lately, you had home/kids/chores/relationship issues that you just had to deal with right now, your neighbor decided to throw a party until 3 am last night and then you got woken up by a car alarm at 7 this morning – stuff like that. You had barely opened your eyes and there was already a colossal headache and you were just done before the day even started.

I had a morning like this. There was nothing in the day to look forward to and the thought of getting out of bed was making me ill. So I didn’t. I mean, I tried to get out of bed but after I brushed my teeth I just fell right back onto the covers and lay there and didn’t move. It’s probably because I had less sleep last night (not because of neighbors or anything, I was too anxious to fall sleep right away), so I was feeling tired/groggy/gross. As I lay there I finally thought, fuck it, just let me do nothing for a few hours and take the morning off. I’ll start work later in the afternoon and maybe work later into the night if I have to, but this morning is just not going to cut it.

So I did. Did nothing until after lunch, which was about 2 pm or so. And now I feel refreshed and ready for work! It’s a good surprise. I was terribly afraid that I wouldn’t want to work at all once the morning passed, that I’d just do nothing all day because of whatever. I’m very glad that had not happened. This is a bit of a twist from the usual doom and gloom I spew on this blog. Now I know for a fact that if I just take a good breather whenever I feel overwhelmed I can overcome it enough to be productive again, later. It gives me a slight hope for the future.