Life

Surgery Recovery, and the Next Steps

Alright, so my surgery went well, however, it took me longer to recover than I thought I would, hence the rest of my July kind of was a wash because I was too tired to do much for a long time aside from getting out of bed. But it’s August now, and I’ve completely recovered from all the fatigue and the mental fogginess, and am more motivated to work than I’ve been for a long time, so I guess that’s a win?

I have more surgery and Covid testing to do this month. And more drugs to inject (no, not illegal ones, but hormonal ones to prep for the surgery) and to take. And testing and so on and, yeah, still not fun. But hopefully at the end of everything I will be pregnant with a healthy baby. Boy, sometimes you really wonder why when it came to me shit is so complicated and hard when for other people it’s like, op, done, pregnant from having fun instead of so many goddamn medicine and blood-drawing and surgery and tons and tons of money spent, all on top of being terrified of going into a hospital setting during the current pandemic climate. But them’s the breaks, so I guess I can be sad and complain or be excited and just, follow the roadmap and hope for the best. You know to be honest I kind of was excited for one moment that other day, which I did not expect. I also did give myself a pep talk all month of July and so I’m right now relatively calm instead of anxious. I’ll take that for a good start in August.

I will definitely post more about my health and such on this blog. Along with other things, because I actually feel motivated with writing right now. Everything is melting down outside because of the stupidity of, uh, a lot of people, and I’m just sitting here thinking, well, things can always get worse so better just take it one day at a time and be thankful that the world is not quite on fire today, and seize the moment. Kinda morbid, really, but for some reason I’m not that emotional about it. I think my head gave up on worrying at some point and just went ‘fuck it’ and that’s why I’m feeling pretty centered and okay. Let’s hope this keeps up, and of course, everyone, stay safe and health, alright? Wish y’all the best.

Work · Writing

A Case of the Mondays, on Tuesday

I’m feeling super unproductive today. The most appropriate phrase would be I’m ‘having a case of the Mondays,’ except it’s 5 o’clock on Tuesday, because my weekend was Sunday and Monday, because I actually worked a “normal workweek” and decided yes, I do need two days off just like everybody else that’s toiling away do.

Why is this significant? Well, this is the first time in a long, long time, that I actually took two days off. As in, I did the work I’m supposed to do, and in the two days that followed, not only did I not do work, I also didn’t worry about work. It was utterly and completely freeing, and I haven’t had that feeling in so long that I really don’t remember the last time that happened. Every day I spend either working but agonizing over that I’m not doing enough, or getting completely burnt out and unable to work and then agonizing over the fact that I’m not working. Every. Single. Damn. Day. For the past however many months – years even. I seriously do not remember how it felt to…not do that. To be honest it was a pretty weird experience for me the past two days. Like, the lack of pressure was so new that I have no idea what to make of it. Good thing I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow. I’m sure he’ll have loads to talk about over this.

I got out of the cycle because I had to submit to my writer’s group last Saturday, so I basically worked nonstop until I finally deemed my submission “good enough,” which was around 11 pm Saturday night. After that I just crashed. But the point is that I was done and more or less satisfied with what I needed to do, which was new, and so the days that followed were spent at peace instead of in mental agony. I’m hoping to keep this up – not that I’ll work nonstop or anything, but that I will keep a manageable schedule and take regular number of days off. And keep that up. Because it’s the only healthy way forward, I think. I’ve been mired in an unhealthy mindset for so long that to get a breath of fresh air is almost too overwhelming.

This doesn’t help today, though. I’m supposed to get back to work but I’m procrastinating like no tomorrow. The only difference is that I think I’m experiencing what normal people with a normal job feel like on a normal Monday, not what a depressed person feel like on, well, any day really. But let’s not jump the gun. I’ll update on how my therapist interpret this later. Right now, I just need to get back to work!

Life · Work

Social Media Is Bad For Me, Apparently

Well, I went to another session with my therapist and told him that, yes, I am keeping a journal, but no, I haven’t worked a lick. Yeah…remember I said I would really, really try to work these past few days? Tried and failed like no tomorrow. I told him this, and we went over all kinds of why’s and how’s and what now’s. So he set some new rules to try this week. One, do some kind of relaxation exercise for 20-30 minutes first thing when I wake up. Two, no checking any news/social media before five pm. And three, keep on journaling, of course.

So apparently what I’ve been doing the past few days was obsessively going on reddit and other news sites to check on the coronavirus situation, because right now California (and a lot of other states, but since I live in Cali it impacts me the most) are surging like mad in cases. It’s making me anxious, but I can’t stop myself from looking up discussions and other slightly alarmist news articles about it, and it went on for hours every day. As a result I get too jittery to concentrate on any creative work. So the doctor’s solution is to just ban myself from social media for the majority of the day. I may have to adjust his ‘no news before five’ stance to something like ‘no news until after dinner’, because I usually start working around 2 or 3 and 5 is way too early. But the point is the same. I wish there’s an easy-to-use site-blocker on Opera, but maybe it’s a test of character or something if I just force myself to not type in the address. I don’t know, let’s give it a week before I feel like I need to install something to do the job for me because I just can’t help myself.

He also said that I might be journaling the wrong way. I told him that writing things down in a journal doesn’t seem to help me much. I mean it helps me in that I no longer am bottling things up and am seeing things up front, and that’s good, but I feel like he’s expecting some kind of catharsis just from that process or something and I’m just like, uh, no? But he did say that maybe instead of me diving deep down I kind of just circle the same point over and over and that’s actually making me more anxious because I get stuck. Maybe. I am noticing, as of right now, even, that when I write my mind keeps on wandering to other, usually stressful things. (Did I take my medication? Garbage needs to be taken out today. I want to use this app but it’s a subscription but it might be helpful but it cost money which I don’t have! Etc. Etc.) And then I stop and try to do something else to alleviate the stress all these other thoughts brought me, which, you guessed it, most of the time is going on to social media, which then brings on more stress and oh my god it just never ends! I’m not sure what to do with that. Well, guess we have the topic for the next session, huh? In the meantime I’ll just have to, again, force myself to concentrate and not get distracted. Really makes one see the appeal of Addreall, but, you know, that’s not healthy for you either.

Life

Mental Health Journaling

So…I disappeared again. Had a small bout of depression where I lost all will to do anything. Couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t want to do anything that I used to enjoy, did no work, all that normal depression stuff. I blame Covid and the quarantine, of course, because so many people are going through the same thing as I am, I’m sure. I also tried to schedule an appointment with my psychologist and he was all booked up for weeks. Finally got through and had a chat (telehealth, perfectly safe) last week. By then I was slowly on the upswing, playing some of the video games I gave up during the worst of it, slowly slowly trying to get back to work. So I just basically talked to him about the process and everything, and he said, keep a journal. I asked what for? He said just, whenever you try to work, and then got anxious or whatever and stopped working, write down what you feel when you did. Just keep track of it, and we’ll talk about the next time.

Well, “the next time” is in two days. And I have done ZERO work. Yep. Just the fact he said I need to work and then keep a journal kept me anxious for two days and didn’t do anything. And the weekend I actually was busy, although the good news is that I am slowly coming back lifestyle-wise. (You know, take regular showers, get out of bed, clean the house, etc.) But I’ve decided that today, finally, I’m going to take his advice and do what he asked, which is keep a journal while working. I don’t think he necessarily mean a public blog about it, but I find this…strangely compelling? Like me spilling my guts to the Internet is somehow more therapeutic than me writing everything down on paper and lock it away. So that’s what I will do. Sorry that I keep on writing such glum things. I will actually try to branch out on my posts in topics, because it’s no fun reading all these during such global unrest.

Speaking of that, I think I’m going to try to have a weekly good things post. Something like “Good Friday” every Friday, where I talk about happy things that happened, or things I’m looking forward to, and the like. Might be small and inconsequential things like ‘oh, I bought this awesome nail polish and I can’t stop staring at my hands’ or ‘oh I finally started that book that I heard about and it’s absolutely amazing’. I think I’ll start this week, along with getting back to “Friday Fictioneers” (which I ironically never post on Friday, it seems). So there’s more diverse content than just me getting through mental and physical health crises one after another. Folks, take care of y’allselves.

Life

Why Is My Mental Health So Shit?

Alright, let’s talk about my health. The title of this post couldn’t be anymore obvious, but you know, I’ve never really thought about how frigging true it is until lately. I know people say stuff like ‘oh he worried himself sick’ or ‘they gave themselves an ulcer from all the stress’. And I think, yeah, people’s immune system gets low when they’re stressed so of course that happens. But I never thought too much about it, until it actually happened to me.

Yeah, hindsight and self-discoveries just make me feel ultra stupid. So basically I had a deadline coming. I’m part of a non-official writers’ group – more a support group than anything else “professional”, although on my resume I’m certain I can call it such. Anyways, it’s my turn to submit some chapters from my novel. I volunteered to do it, it would help my work tremendously, but oh my god was it super hard for me to sit down and work on it. Like, right now the chapters I want to submit needs major rewrites, because they’re the beginning chapters and I hadn’t gone back to fix them yet and they don’t match anything else later. Process of writing drafts, completely normal, but holy shit, so much pressure to make things perfect from scratch again! My creative process basically shut down, and I just became this listless blob for a few days, and then I developed that lymph node swelling/throat thing I talked about yesterday, and it’s just all downhill from there. I ended up not going to the monthly meeting at all because I was too tired to read other people’s things to critique, let alone talking to other people (via Zoom but still), and so, here I am today, nothing good written, missed deadline, sick, a bad place.

I’ve always been a bit trepidatious talking about my work. Where I realistic am, instead where I wish I am, stuff like that. I guess the first step of progress is just to be honest with myself. (And being honest in public is a whole different thing, but I think it helps more? Accountability and all that.) I’ll talk about this in detail in another post, because this one is about how my utterly crazy mental blocks basically made me physically ill for two weeks. I called my doctor today and scheduled a tele-health appointment later this week. The symptoms may or may not completely dissipate by then, but at least I can get some round of antibiotics if it it’s still there. Or something – I feel like my body is just completely breaking down right now with infections everywhere. This isn’t me being a hypochondriac; I’m really not in a good place health-wise. At least the doctor could either calm me down and be like, no you don’t have cancer/etc. just stress here’s some anti-inflammatory drugs, or he would actually be concerned and I’ll get it looked it. If it’s something serious early detection is key right? The point is, if my brain didn’t go crazy I probably wouldn’t be in this situation right now, and I don’t know what to do to make myself calm down. Well, I do, and that is finish the novel completely, which means I’ll be calm in like six months, which is not acceptable! Ahem. Right. That’s another post. Sorry the blog is kind of all over the place by now. I’ll keep you updated. Stay safe, everyone!