Life

Apprehensive, But Good News

So there’s a reason that I haven’t been posting this past week or so. I didn’t want to type everything out yet, because for some reason writing things down seem to make them more permanent, even when in reality it has no impact on those things whatsoever. Similar to why you don’t want to say a good or bad news out loud – whether you just jinxed yourself or made the bad news feel more real, it’s a nervous feeling. Again, completely irrational and baseless most of the time, but you just worry about that minuscule probability, you know?

Well, what has happened, you ask. Well, after more than a year and a total monetary amount that I’m afraid to tally up, so far, I’m finally pregnant. Yep. Second IVF implantation – success! It’s still super early, so I’m definitely still in the “miscarriage can happen any time” phase i.e. the first six weeks. I’m going to my first ultrasound next week, and boy, you don’t know how jittery I am about that. I know stress does not help with pregnancy, but it’s like saying “just don’t be depressed” to a person suffering from depression. I have told very few people about this positive news as of yet – but I feel like writing and blogging about it might make me feel better. The road to a successful birth is very, very long, and from what I’ve read people can lose their baby, well, due to many many reasons even very late into the pregnancy. So it’s not over until it’s over. I’ve barely begun, and my road to even this point is ridiculous compared to other people’s. Modern science really is something, eh? If this were even 40 years ago I’d totally just be childless for the rest of my life.

Right now I’m such a ball of nerves that I’m interpreting every little thing going on in my body as a sign of something bad. Is that cramp on one side possibly be ectopic pregnancy? Early sign of a potential miscarriage? Is my body temperature high because that’s just a normal symptom is or do I have a fever? Am I exercising too much or too little? Am I eating too much? I’m prone to gestational diabetes (have PCOS, am Asian – a group that even with lower BMI than other ethnic groups is still twice as likely to develop gestational diabetes at a rate of 15%), so should I do more glucose tests and up my intake of Metformin? How much is insurance going to cover now that I’ve run out of the fertility allowance? Etc. etc. etc. I’ve been keeping a journal religiously as a way to mitigate all this. There are more things piling on top of this in my life that I don’t want to talk about right now, but this is the big one, so I figure today is a good day to at least let it loose into the ether, so to speak.

So yeah, I’m pregnant, as of today. It might be different tomorrow (cross fingers knock on wood!), but it also might not. I might have a perfectly uneventful and normal pregnancy and in 9 months I’ll have a beautiful baby (I opt to not know the gender yet even though it’s like, clearly on file) and I’ll be a mother. Wow. What a crazy phrase – I’ll be a mother. I know so many people get to this step but for it to apply to me? Feels very surreal.

Life

Have You Ever

Have you ever had one of those days when you just hate everything? I’m not trying to be teenage dramatic, I meant it in the way that your job had gone to the toilets lately, you had home/kids/chores/relationship issues that you just had to deal with right now, your neighbor decided to throw a party until 3 am last night and then you got woken up by a car alarm at 7 this morning – stuff like that. You had barely opened your eyes and there was already a colossal headache and you were just done before the day even started.

I had a morning like this. There was nothing in the day to look forward to and the thought of getting out of bed was making me ill. So I didn’t. I mean, I tried to get out of bed but after I brushed my teeth I just fell right back onto the covers and lay there and didn’t move. It’s probably because I had less sleep last night (not because of neighbors or anything, I was too anxious to fall sleep right away), so I was feeling tired/groggy/gross. As I lay there I finally thought, fuck it, just let me do nothing for a few hours and take the morning off. I’ll start work later in the afternoon and maybe work later into the night if I have to, but this morning is just not going to cut it.

So I did. Did nothing until after lunch, which was about 2 pm or so. And now I feel refreshed and ready for work! It’s a good surprise. I was terribly afraid that I wouldn’t want to work at all once the morning passed, that I’d just do nothing all day because of whatever. I’m very glad that had not happened. This is a bit of a twist from the usual doom and gloom I spew on this blog. Now I know for a fact that if I just take a good breather whenever I feel overwhelmed I can overcome it enough to be productive again, later. It gives me a slight hope for the future.