I have finished my novel planning with the Snowflake Method. I am very happy about that, but at the same time, I am now terrified of actually picking up my novel again and writing it, again, but better this time.
It’s stressful, okay? I know I should be ecstatic I finally wrangled the novel plot into better shape, but man, now I’m feeling inadequate in the whole writing process things. What if I just suck really, really bad at putting words together to form a cohesive whole? What if what I planned to convey just completely falls flat? What if my planning itself has so many plot holes that I just didn’t see? What if? What if? What? Endless questions and self-doubt plagued me for the past few days. It doesn’t help that I also got summoned for jury duty in a courthouse pretty far from me, and very inconvenient to get to. Fear of dealing with that and chance of Covid and everything just paralyzed me for the entire day yesterday. I’ve put in a transfer request but who knows what’ll happen there? Uncertainty is not a good base state for me to tackle my novel in earnest. (Not even thinking about Ukraine and Russia and all that, nope!)
But the good news is that I got over all the anxiety from yesterday today. Well, okay, getting over is a little optimistic, I managed my anxiety so it’s not debilitating that I can’t think about work. Hence I am working today, or trying to talk myself into starting it. If at the end of the day I can write one paragraph I’d consider it a win. Seriously, this is so ridiculous. Hopefully every day I’ll get a little bit less anxious, and in a couple of weeks I’ll be writing normally, like a writer should, instead of whatever crawling pace I have now.