Life

A Whirlwind

Hello peoples. Let me just preface this by saying that life has been crazy these past couple of months. Emotionally, mostly, as is with everything, but also just living. I don’t mean suicidal, I mean like living in a house with bills to pay and somehow everything in your possession start to break at once. This thing needs fixing which leads to this other thing needs fixing and before you know it you’re out thousands and thousands of savings, and in a time like this even if you can weather it you’re afraid of ‘what else is going to go wrong’ scenarios, and you psych yourself up for failure.

I also don’t have a psychologist at this moment. My usual one is, well, I think we’re not jiving anymore, so I’m in the market for a new one. Except of course everyone needs mental health help right now so there’s a giant waitlist for every single option. I am journaling and trying to manage everything myself, and it’s to limited success. It doesn’t help that I haven’t worked on my novel one lick since I finished the outline, and I’m getting really cold feet about the whole process again. It’s a work in progress, always, and I’m going to try to pull through this week. The first week of calmness I’ve had in a while.

I’ll talk more about my life later. Right now I just want to have a small update. Even writing this one took me forever because I’m out of practice, so to speak. Who knew you can get rusty with personal blogging? Yeah, that’s it from me for now.

Life

Cleaning Is Working

So I’ve decided last week to try out this schedule of not working on novel on Mondays, but devoting it to cleaning. The house has so many things that need organizing and fixing, but I realized that I can’t think about major cleaning on days I need to work on novel, because that would just become the entire day’s focus and I’d get nothing done. The weekend doesn’t work either because I spend entire Sundays out shopping for the week’s groceries (this is LA, to go anywhere takes like 40+ minutes, and all the Asian grocery stores are very far from where I live), and on Saturday the last thing I want is major cleaning because I really want a relaxing day. Therefore, it’s going to be Monday. Maybe I’ll work a bit extra on Saturdays to make up for it, but devoting Mondays to clean seems to be the best route.

So this week I put it to trial. And you’ll never guess what happened. Well, no, I’m sure you can guess what happened, which was that I completely froze up on the sheer amount of cleaning I have to do and got very little done. Yep, apparently cleaning is also super anxiety inducing for me, who’d have thought? (Everyone. Everyone would’ve except I thought I could tackle it without a plan. Nope!) I pretty much did the most basic dusting and left all organization to rot. Considering that was like, the whole point of the exercise, essentially I got nothing of note done on Monday. But I didn’t give up! I tried again on Tuesday, but cut everything down to the smallest tackable size. Instead of grand ambition of cleaning every surface in the room I will only clean ONE bookshelf, so that was what I did on Tuesday. The hallway bookshelf is…emptied and a bunch of stuff is on the bed in the guest room, but the shelf itself is clean and I threw out all the garbage papers that had been sitting on there for, uh, a few years? So everything I have right now are things I want to keep. I will organize the keep piles later, but hey, progress!

I will now move on to the other bookshelf in my bedroom. There will be some shuffling of books between the two, and also more dusting because dust is just so goshdarn pervasive! But I won’t be doing that today. I’ll be working on novel planning because I’m almost completely done with the thing! Tomorrow I will see if I can do more with the books, but I’ve learned my lesson now. Everything will be planned out in tiny increments. If I can do more than one great, if not, then that’s it. Any large chunks would just freeze me out and be counterproductive. Just like writing, eh?

Life

Good Mondays – Movies

Oh hi. I really made an effort on this series but things have been so bad that I haven’t had anything to celebrate for the longest time. So I gave up on it. Well, today I’m picking it back up! Because good things have happened at last. Very small things in the state-of-the-world-wise but, I think the point of this whole thing is small, personal things to be grateful for. So, yeah, new entry.

First of all, I want to say that I just found out my mom does NOT have another cancer lump. It was benign, just scary looking. So yeah, that is the first bit of good news. It made my day, really, but as this is totally a huge good thing, not just a small grateful thing, I’m not devoting this entry to it. Instead, I’m going to talk about another thing. A milestone for the pandemic world, and that is I actually went to a movie for the first time since March 2020. I went to see Spider-Man: No Way Home.

Yes, I realize that movie came out back in December. Right in the middle of Christmas and omicron surge. So naturally I did not go then. Now it’s almost out of theaters, omicron surge is trending way down, and I caught up on all the other MCU-verse films via streaming. So me and my s.o. went to a 10 pm showing on a Thursday. The theater we’re in had one other person in it – an old man with an N95 mask. No doubt he picked that time for the same reason we did. We wore our masks diligently (I got the free N95 ones the government gave out. They’re surprisingly comfortable.) It also happened we went on the opening night of The Batman. So the theater was very crowded, just not the room we’re in. Kind of gave a good “normal” atmosphere for the night.

I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I’ve always been pretty basic when it comes to films haha, and I watched every single MCU film in theaters and genuinely liked most of them (except the two Ant-Man films. I haven’t watched those haha, but I think I should at least catch them on Disney+ at some point). Infinity War and Endgame was epic to me. So naturally I watched all the previous Spider-Man films too. Which turned out to be kind of crucial to watch this one. Like, there are some significant portion of the newest film devoted to in-jokes between the other seven films. I think if you haven’t watched them or knew what happened then you might get a little bit lost on why some of the things happened the way they did. (I don’t know though, because I have watched everything, so.) I actually got so excited to see this movie I couldn’t concentrate on work all day. It’s equally the movie itself and the fact I’m going to an in-person movie at all. I feel comfortable doing some of the stuff I did during pre-pandemic times again. It’s a big step.

I’m not sure I’m going to go see Dr. Strange when that comes out in theaters, though. I can watch that on Disney+ soon enough (but not Spider-Man). We’ll see. Anyway, this is an especially rambling Good Mondays entry, but I’m happy I can write one, period. I say good viewings to you all!

Life

Doomscrolling

I did no work the whole last week. Why? Well, let’s see:

I found out that my mother could potentially have another cancer. Oh, I don’t think I talked about her having the first cancer. Yeah, no, I didn’t. It was super stressful and scary. So before I could fully recover from the first shock now we have another one. Uh-huh. Not talking about this one either.

I’m going to actually start all the medical stuff that I’ve put off due to Covid now. That is scary in itself. I don’t want to go into hospitals but I have to. Scary.

I have to schedule/think about learning coding. More things I probably suck at that I have to excel in order to find some work. And, oh yeah,

Russia invaded Ukraine! An actual land war in 2022, with many countries involved in having potential nukes. No, I don’t think we’re all going to die of nuclear fallout any time soon. Yes, everyone’s trying to avoid World War III but you never know if things keep on escalating. No, it’s not healthy to get on reddit and other news sources and obsessively scroll for the latest developments, but yours truly has done it anyway. Only marginally curtailed myself from doing so today, which was the only reason that I did any semblance of work.

Is it a wonder that I got zero things done this past week? And I was doing so well in February too!

Life

Pre-Game Clean-Up

Our friend is coming over tomorrow to watch the Super Bowl with us. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had anyone over to my house, so the condition of the house is in an understandable (I hope?) condition of pandemic disarray. There’s masks everywhere, boxes from deliveries piled in the corner, mail on a lot of surfaces, a crapload of hand sanitizer bottles, you know, the messy stuff that just kind of accumulates when you haven’t had any company in the past, uh, six months? Longer? I don’t remember haha. I knew we had the same friend over at some point, but not sure when. Anyways, the point is that I’ve spent today and yesterday cleaning everything. I am so sore right now! Because my legs were not used to exercises such as crouching and bending over repeatedly as I vacuum the house, including the stairs. My s.o. went to Costco to get party food and came back with, of course, Costco-sized packages in Costco-sized boxes. I helped him move them upstairs and now my arms hurt because I’m weak sauce. These pandemic years of very little exercise is really cutting into our physique. At least the weather is warming up. We really need to resume walks around the neighborhood soon. Both of us really, really do need the exercise.

However, I do feel properly motivated to do work, just like I thought I would yesterday. It’s nice to know that I have come up with a way to deal with anxiety so it doesn’t interfere my work as much as it could have. So that makes me happy, even though I’m thinking of actually taking an Advil because my muscles are screaming from disuse.

Life

A Few Updates

This entry will be a hodgepodge of things. Mostly because the actual work I do everyday is pretty boring and repetitive to talk about haha. So let’s talk about something else! But one thing related to work I absolutely want to gripe about is that I never realized that once you decide on a naming convention you kind of have to stick to it for every single character, no matter how minor, and if you picked a slightly unusual way to name people than “Joe Smith” then you need to do research…for literally every single one-liner name. Yeah… I got so sick of figuring out names that by the end I just gave up and went “okay, you know what, this can wait til later.” So I kind of marked my setting sheets as “finished” even though it’s missing a few things. Whatever. I need to move on to bigger things, like more character sheets, so I did just that.

Or rather, I was supposed to start that yesterday, but I didn’t, because I started reading CJ Cherryh’s Regenesis, the direct sequel to Cyteen, after owning the book for like 13 years and never got around to it. And I got sucked in! Let me tell you, there is a marked difference between books written in 1989 and 2009. Least of all is that she can actually use words like “lover” to describe a homosexual relationship instead of the roundabout “brother” thing (seriously, it’s totally understandable why she had to do that but definitely a sign of the times.) There are also more descriptions in general instead of only describing what matters. Like I had no idea what one of the arguably major characters looks like in terms of hair/eye color, you know, super basic things that people describe nowadays but not necessarily back in the day. And settings – like I also had no idea what the space people occupy look like in Cyteen but now have a sense of it in Regenesis. I can go on more about it but I’m going to stop for now, because I’m going to probably dedicate an entry to it, once I finish.

Anyway, I didn’t do work yesterday because I just kept reading the book. Also, and I’m not proud of this, but I got sucked into FF14 again. I knew it was going to happen – it was why I quit a few years ago, because once I start playing that it’ll be the only thing I do for a while. So between these two things I kind of just gave up on working altogether yesterday. Again, not good, but thankfully I’m motivated today, and I’m glad of it. Used to be that I would just give up working for a week or so if I got stopped. Now, not so much. So at least there’s some kind of progress there.

And last but not least, the cute stickers I ordered from thecoffeemonsterzco for my planners/journals finally got here! It took forever (or seemed like forever haha) because it’s coming from Canada, and for the past couple of weeks there has been some serious storms out on the east coast, which probably delayed a lot of mail because so many flights got canceled. I was worried that it got lost in transit. But no worries, everything arrived in tip-top shape, and I spent a good bit of today just decorating my planners. It’s become important as it keeps me using them, and when I do use them I tend to be more productive. So yeah, net positive. I just have to keep going.

Life

Here Be Some News

Well, I have some news. I had an appointment with a geneticist yesterday, because my fertility doctor was trying to figure out why I kept on having miscarriages when they couldn’t really find things obviously wrong with me, so they took some of my blood and did more testing. The results came and I had a very revealing talk with a very nice lady about my karyotype.

So, turns out I have a rare genetic disorder in which some of my cells are missing an X chromosome. It’s called mosaic Turner syndrome. Apparently I have a very mildly expressed case, so it went undiagnosed until now, when I’m a full-on adult for a while. Usually they start testing when you’re a teenager and didn’t start your period at all, or you had a heart attack in your 20s, or you’re just exceptionally short, and other very obvious and abnormal things. Those are the full-on Turner syndromes, where all the cells are missing an X chromosome. For me it’s only about a quarter defective – hence, mosaic. Luckily I missed a lot of the negatives growing up, as nothing happened to me that was out of the ordinary. Unluckily, I did not get spared when it comes to getting pregnant. I apparently have about 40% miscarriage rate compared to normal people’s 10%, and all in all my entire reproductive system just doesn’t work quite right.

So yeah. Quite some news, huh? I’m still processing the shock of it, and I think it’s an effect of the pandemic years, because now I’m just numb than depressed. A bit sad, surely, but not catatonic or anything. My spouse and my in-laws are very sad about it. My mom, however, when I told her, was more understanding. Probably because she works as a lab technician so she has medical background, so I didn’t have to explain too much about what’s going on and she “gets” it, you know? Unlike my mother-in-law who has no idea what’s what and is just like “what is wrong with you why how what does this mean?!” Bless her heart, yeah?

Now, because I’ve been diagnosed, I have to go get some routine checks. The most important two are the cardiologist and a nephrologist. Or maybe not necessarily a nephrologist but definitely a renal ultrasound. I have to go get an echocardiogram first, just to rule out there could be some function issues with my heart, and then make sure I have functional kidneys. Key there is plural, kidneys; people with this disorder sometimes have one messed up kidney and one okay one. So fun times ahead. Either way I’m not planning go anywhere near a hospital until well into February because of Covid. I’m expecting to hear from my fertility doctor soon. I imagine we’d make detailed plans then.

Like I said I’m still processing. I’m definitely giving myself a few days off so not much going on work-wise. Maybe I’ll start cleaning the house or something, just so I can deal with it while doing something productive that doesn’t require too much brain work. I’ll keep you updated for sure.