I have started in my novel again. Actual writing, only a paragraph, on Monday. And know what? It felt great!
I am legitimately excited about me writing again. No, not about the novel, per se, but the fact I’m writing again. I have hated my novel process for a long, long time. Always felt like I suck with every word. Always dreaded the fact I could work on a single part in a single chapter for a whole day and not get anywhere. So I got severe writing paralysis for the past few months (not counting all the crazy life things that happened that I talked about in the last entry. I will talk about those later, I promise.) I gave up on everything for a while. Then, one random day, I’ve decided to – this is dumb but bear with me – rejoin a fandom I abandoned a while ago. Yes, I know, fandom, crazy fangirl – I’m no spring chicken so thankfully don’t have the energy to be at that level, and luckily it’s not one of those ridiculously dramatic ones like MCU or Supernatural or whatever’s the hottest in anime etc. (It’s a reasonably small one, that’s potentially dying haha, but still exists as of now) I thought, know what, there’s this fanfic I abandoned years ago, that is 70% done, let’s see if I can write that to get myself back on track.
And, to my utmost surprise, it worked! When I started the fanfic again I had the exact same issue as my novel. Every word sounded wrong; every plot point sounded stupid (it probably is stupid, but that’s not the point here!) I literally spent hours staring at one paragraph and wrote maybe like 200 words total that day, 200 very crappy words. All in all a very sad, traumatic mess. However! I did all that, my brain kicking and screaming the whole way, and I moved on and fixed the story to somewhat of a readable quality. I’ve not quite finished, but very, very close. So on Monday, I’ve decided to take a crack at my novel. No word count or goal, just, one paragraph done would be enough.
So I wrote it, and it was fine! Like, I wrote a paragraph and was like, holy shite, it’s already sounding better than what I wrote before. I think it’s this whole restarting writing thing. You really do get rusty if you haven’t done it for a while, but it doesn’t mean it’ll stay rusty forever. But since life keep interrupting me, I keep on having to seriously restart (medical recovery takes a lot of time, yo). So the goal now is to just keep writing. Maybe a day off here and there, but certainly not weeks or months. No matter how depressed I get. It’s nice to know the writing process has not failed me, even if the product might. And I think that is the most important thing I’ve learned so far.