Work · Writing

What I Work On Affect My Mood

Title is kind of like, duh! But it’s interesting to observe this now that I’m consistently working. I’m sure this happened before, but because I felt anxious all the damn time, I never actually seriously analyzed exactly what was causing me to be depressed, you know? Well, now I inadvertently have, and the conclusion is, uh, what I explicitly work on matters!

So let’s just take the past few days. On Monday I was semi-okay, kind of excited to work even. Tuesday was horrible. No motivation, no creativity, almost cried in bed but didn’t (and still managed to get some work done!) Yesterday I was a bit better, and today was very neutral. The reason for this swing? Well, right now I’m working on very detailed character sheets. On Monday I was finishing up one, and it was fine. On Tuesday I was starting on the next character, who is very complicated in both motivation and plot elements, and I think I completely froze up on how hard it’ll be to write him. Hence all the anxiety, doubt, hatred for myself, etc. etc. Yesterday I was finishing up the second half of the character sheet, so because I already had a starting point, it was much easier. And today I’m starting my last major character and she’s not nearly as complicated as the previous guy. So I’m okay today. I literally felt awful because the thought of tackling a perceived difficult character wrecked me. What if I just can’t do it? What if I make a super messy, crappy character with a plotline that makes no sense? What if this, what if that? I fought through it, because I did get it done, but it was a bad day overall because of it.

I’m not sure what I can do in the future to prevent this. I guess the most I could do was no matter how shitty I keep going? Tomorrow is a better day? Upon contemplating today I realized my current character could use a bit more tweaking because I want her to be a little more complicated than she was. So I did that. I’ll finish her tomorrow. All in all the day is going okay, and I’ll be on track to finally finish the character sheets by tomorrow. And then it’ll come plot outlines and…yeah, I’m not thinking of that at all, okay? Too daunting to pre-think; better if I just take as it comes. If that means I’ll have a couple of awful days where I don’t know if I can handle starting it? Let it be. Because I think, and I kind of have proof from this week, that I can handle it, somewhat. Which is better than before when I just stopped progressing.

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