Life

Sleep Schedules? What Is Even?

Yeah so my sleep schedules are just completely messed up right now. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve finally started consuming caffeinated beverages again, or I’m actually sleeping terribly late and don’t feel it because of said caffeine boost, or what. All I know is that I’m waking up super late again, like before I started the daily morning progesterone shots, but I’m not sleeping as late as before! Like, I fell asleep around 1 am yesterday and woke up today at 11 am. What the heck? I usually don’t need 10 hours of sleep – 7 would do fine. And this happened the day before too. I understand before I would go to sleep at 3 or 4 am and wake up at noon, well, yeah, I went to sleep at an ungodly hour. However, I’m now trying to start getting ready for bed at midnight and still wake up 10 hours later. Crazy.

I’m going to try to adjust my schedule more. I don’t want to be in bed by 11 pm, like my mother said I would, because that’s for when I’m 60 not when I’m not even 40 yet. My perfect bed time would be 12:30 or 1 and wake up around 9 or 9:30. But no, if I go to sleep at like 12:30 I end up waking up at 7 am, and then be tired for the rest of the day, or I end up waking at 11 am, and wonder what happened to all the time lost. Ugh.

I assume I’m just getting terrible sleep for whatever reason and so my body is making up for it by sleeping longer. I’m thinking of using a sleep aid, like those apps where you listen to something relaxing and be asleep in 5 min, or so they claim. I’m skeptical, but maybe it’ll help? I heard about this app called Calm that everyone’s listening so I’m going to give that a try. I finally feel like I’m on a good work/food/exercise schedule, I don’t need erratic sleep to mess it all up.

Life

Good Mondays – A Cup of Coffee

Well hello there! It’s Good Mondays time, because Mondays suck! So, today I want to talk about something that happened a couple of weeks ago actually, and that was that I went out to a bakery, bought some nice pastries, and ordered a cup of Iced Sea Salt Caramel Coffee.

OK, so here’s something y’all gotta understand. Because of my asthma and all the IVF procedures, I’ve basically been housebound since March. We didn’t start ordering takeout until last month, and I rarely venture out anywhere because of the spread. But as the months dragged on and California’s use of masks become more ubiquitous, I feel less stressed about strictly staying home. Where I live people are very diligent about masks, and stores absolutely enforce the rule (or I just don’t visit stores that don’t do it. Also helps that Walmart is like banned within 30 mile radius from the city or something.) So I went out and got groceries and went to farmer’s markets, but I still have not gone into a restaurant that allows indoor dining (I’m not sure there are any right now where I live, actually – outdoor seating only – but still.) I miss going to restaurants. My husband and I are pretty big foodies and part of the draw for us is in the dine-in experience. For a lot of our special occasions we’d save up so we can go to the few Michelin-starred restaurants around the city. So this whole Covid thing took away a large part of our enjoyment of life, and it hurt more than I realized.

Anyway, we went to a bakery when we went shopping for groceries, and I ordered a cup of caramel coffee from there. It was the first beverage made by someone else professional I’ve had since March. I was staring at the cup with the swirl of whipped cream on top and almost burst into tears because it was a sign of normalcy again. Talk about an emotional wreck haha. Not only because of Covid, though, but I also hadn’t been able to have any caffeine for a while due to the whole pregnancy/miscarriage situation. Being able to consume a caffeinated beverage now seemed like a greater deal than it should be. Again, a sign of normalcy, to life before 2020, before the pandemic, and I’m feeling hopeful in 2021 we’ll be able to get back to what was before, somewhat. Meanwhile I will take what I can, and perhaps visit the bakery more often to get more things I missed in the nine months so far of isolation.

Life

Back to Normal

I slept for a full 10 hours yesterday. Granted I went to bed super late, as I have been for the past week because of stupid reasons, but I woke up today at almost noon and felt more rested than I’ve had for a long, long time. Note to self: stop keeping crazy, inconsistent sleep schedules. This is what happens when your body gets confused and therefore, needs much more rest than you realize.

I’ve also washed my face, used a face mask at night, and painted my nails. Why is this significant? Well, considering I haven’t done any of these things for the past, oh, 8 weeks at least? Probably longer than that, really, and yes, it does sound absolutely disgusting that I haven’t washed my face for more than 2 months. It’s not that bad, though, in that I still showered and I still splashed my face with water, just not with the full routine (you know the crazy 11-step thing Korean beauties do? I don’t have to that extreme but there’s at least 6 or 7 steps in mine). And with nail polish I absolutely could use them while pregnant. All of my stash are at least 5-free, so there are no iffy chemicals that may or may not have some effect on pregnancy (the verdict is still out on that one, but better be as safe as possible). Anyway, the reason I haven’t done any of that is simple: stress. I’ve been stressed about everything involving my pregnancy that I basically fell into a mini-depression when it comes to some areas of my life. They say that estrogen might contribute to depression, add on the miscarriage and all the IVF problems (not to mention Covid), yeah I barely had energy to get out of bed, let alone doing extra things like painting my nails.

But that’s all behind me now. Mostly. (Not Covid, but, well, the earliest we can expect a difference I suppose is January 2021). I feel hormonally normal. I painted my nails for the first time with a new color last night (just because I wasn’t painting doesn’t mean I wasn’t buying polishes) – a Halloween themed Frankenstein green. My nails are super short because I pick at them when I’m stressed, and I’ve been neglecting moisturizing so they break off all the damn time. I’ve always enjoyed the process of painting my nails, just like I enjoyed the process of going through all the steps of washing/moisturizing my face before bedtime. I did that for the first time last night, too, and you know, it just makes me feel so normal for the first time in ages. I didn’t even realize I’ve stopped doing things I liked until I resumed doing them and realized I missed them. It’s progress, and I’m glad I’ve moved on emotionally enough to have non-crackly skin and an ugly-pretty color on my short stubby nails again.

I will try to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, and start exercising properly again. And work, god, the amount of work piling up is getting out of hand. I am a functioning adult once more, and you know, it really makes me wonder about my miscarriage as a blessing in disguise. At least until I start the whole pregnancy thing again, and I’m hoping next time I’d have enough experience that I am prepared for anything.

Writing

Friday Fictioneers #2

Wow, it has really been a while since I attempted this, huh? Time to pick this up again, and hopefully make it a habit.

Photo Prompt:

© Dale Rogerson

The Wait

It’s stopped snowing but Jessi still haven’t left the house. She can see the bench where Stephen’s supposed to be, but he’s nowhere in sight. He’ll show up, she thinks. He’s a little scatterbrained but there’s no way he’ll forget her birthday.

She shuffles her feet as she keeps looking out the window. Her red jacket and matching boots are ready by the door, and she’s already clutching the housekeys. He’s only five minutes late; no big deal. Stephen is always running behind anyway. Surely he’ll show up, and they’ll go out to dinner, and everything will be fine. Really.

Life

Things Are Looking Slightly Up

Well, the election week from hell is over. I swear 2020 just wouldn’t end and every day drags on longer and longer. I cannot wait until 2021 comes around! Granted things could arguably get even worse in 2021 – Yellowstone could erupt and that’s basically goodbye humans we had a good run – but the future is not decided yet and no use worrying until the doomsday scenario’s here, eh? Trump did NOT get elected, no matter what he claims with zero evidence, and that is already a plus for 2021.

I’ve been putting off talking about my pregnancy. Well, that’s because I’m no longer pregnant. I had a miscarriage two weeks ago, and I’m still grappling with coming to terms with it. I’m doing alright coping – journaling, meditation, talking about it with as many people as I can including professionals – they all help. I will definitely dedicate an entry to it, just not yet, because I’m not done coping with it yet. I am getting there, however, and so I look forward to the day that this won’t bring me to tears immediately upon thinking. My doctor also decided we should take a good, long break mentally and physically before we try IVF again. So sometime next year – probably January – we’ll resume the treatments. Until then I just have to physically take care of myself and get my mind in order. I still consider this as a thing to look forward to, because like I said many, many times before, 2020 is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year, and we all are anxiously waiting for it to be over.

Life

Voting

Well, this blog entry is going up very late, but I had been going through some tough times and I…still am not ready to talk about it. Well, I will eventually, probably very soon, but not in this particular entry. Today (tonight, really, it’s like 7 pm) I just want to say: I voted in the election this year. It’s my first time voting, and I am pretty happy that at least I played a part in the upcoming craziness. Yikes!

Okay, so I’ve always been the non-political kind. Very meh about both parties, even though I’m firmly a Democrat, but sometimes some Republican candidates sit alright with me (McCain, for example, when he ran against Obama). It didn’t matter because, again, I didn’t vote, so nobody cared what I think. I also reside in a very very blue state, so once more, it didn’t matter that I didn’t vote.

Obviously everything went bonkers these past four years, and we now have some serious autocratic despotic shenanigans going on with declaring victories before all the votes are counted, throwing out perfectly legitimate votes, voter intimidation, and other ridiculous suppression tactics. Still, I wasn’t going to register because, again, neverwaver blue state, but I was talking to a girlfriend of mine (who also lives in a solid blue state), and she said, ‘you know, we’re here joking about moving to Canada and internment camps for Asians as future possibilities, maybe you should, you know, actually go vote?’ and I was like, wow, she’s right. She then said ‘what would you say if your future children ask you “mom, what happened during the 2020 election and what did you do during it?” You’re gonna tell them you didn’t do anything?’ and again I was like, wow, she’s super right. I am part of the political process, no matter how small, and I really should exercise such hard-won rights, especially when this year there are so many people getting their rights taken away. So yeah, my friend (who already voted) convinced me, and I went to register for the first time as a voter online.

My husband also voted for the first time. He registered before I did, because there were actually Props on the ballot that he wanted to vote for, so it’s not the presidential race he’s concerned with as much. He’s a Democrat now but if this were the 70s he’d be a Republican, you know, one of those fiscally conservative socially liberal moderate Republicans that no longer exist. We looked over the ballot together and researched everything on it, and dropped it off a couple of days ago at a dropbox. And btw it’s ridiculously easy to vote in my state. I registered (with driver’s license) online, they sent me a mail-in ballot, I filled it out and found a 24-hour drop-off box 5-min drive from my house, drove over and dropped it in, and that’s it. No contact (COVID’s still here yo!), no lines, no fuss, and there’s a handy tracking website that told me when ballot’s being mailed, processed, etc. I checked it today and it said my ballot’s been received and will be counted. The end. Man, democracy really should be this easy, and not whatever that’s going on in other contested states.

Anyway, I did my part and now we can all wait like ants on fire for the results tomorrow. Or the day after, or the day after that. This week is going to be brutal. I really hope things go smoothly and no one gets hurt more in the process. It’s been a significantly trying year as is.