Apprehensive, But Good News

So there’s a reason that I haven’t been posting this past week or so. I didn’t want to type everything out yet, because for some reason writing things down seem to make them more permanent, even when in reality it has no impact on those things whatsoever. Similar to why you don’t want to say a good or bad news out loud – whether you just jinxed yourself or made the bad news feel more real, it’s a nervous feeling. Again, completely irrational and baseless most of the time, but you just worry about that minuscule probability, you know?

Well, what has happened, you ask. Well, after more than a year and a total monetary amount that I’m afraid to tally up, so far, I’m finally pregnant. Yep. Second IVF implantation – success! It’s still super early, so I’m definitely still in the “miscarriage can happen any time” phase i.e. the first six weeks. I’m going to my first ultrasound next week, and boy, you don’t know how jittery I am about that. I know stress does not help with pregnancy, but it’s like saying “just don’t be depressed” to a person suffering from depression. I have told very few people about this positive news as of yet – but I feel like writing and blogging about it might make me feel better. The road to a successful birth is very, very long, and from what I’ve read people can lose their baby, well, due to many many reasons even very late into the pregnancy. So it’s not over until it’s over. I’ve barely begun, and my road to even this point is ridiculous compared to other people’s. Modern science really is something, eh? If this were even 40 years ago I’d totally just be childless for the rest of my life.

Right now I’m such a ball of nerves that I’m interpreting every little thing going on in my body as a sign of something bad. Is that cramp on one side possibly be ectopic pregnancy? Early sign of a potential miscarriage? Is my body temperature high because that’s just a normal symptom is or do I have a fever? Am I exercising too much or too little? Am I eating too much? I’m prone to gestational diabetes (have PCOS, am Asian – a group that even with lower BMI than other ethnic groups is still twice as likely to develop gestational diabetes at a rate of 15%), so should I do more glucose tests and up my intake of Metformin? How much is insurance going to cover now that I’ve run out of the fertility allowance? Etc. etc. etc. I’ve been keeping a journal religiously as a way to mitigate all this. There are more things piling on top of this in my life that I don’t want to talk about right now, but this is the big one, so I figure today is a good day to at least let it loose into the ether, so to speak.

So yeah, I’m pregnant, as of today. It might be different tomorrow (cross fingers knock on wood!), but it also might not. I might have a perfectly uneventful and normal pregnancy and in 9 months I’ll have a beautiful baby (I opt to not know the gender yet even though it’s like, clearly on file) and I’ll be a mother. Wow. What a crazy phrase – I’ll be a mother. I know so many people get to this step but for it to apply to me? Feels very surreal.


Good Mondays – Hobonichi Techo

I’m beginning to notice a pattern with my Good Mondays entries haha. Pens, books, and now, a planner/journal system. You know, I guess it’s not hard to deduce that being a booklover and a writer, the things that make me happy are book-related things. Or at least the joyful things I think of first tend to be book-related things. I’m sure as the weeks goes on I’ll have other hobbies or situations to be grateful for. But for now, bear with me, it’s going to be more paper goods.

So, today I’m going to talk about the Hobonichi Techo – a yearly planner that’s apparently a cult favorite, and comes in limited release every year. I was browsing a few weeks ago (my s.o. really needs to keep me off this website so I don’t bankrupt us buying stationery!) and they had a banner featuring the Hobonichi Techo on the front page. So I got curious and clicked, and many, many Youtube videos later, I basically got hooked. The layout is pretty much exactly how I need it to be, AND it comes in Simplified Chinese version. The paper are thin and good to write on (although slightly debatable when it comes to fountain pens due to its thinness, but I mostly use gen pels so it’s not a problem), the colors are beautiful and pastel, and everything just looks so tidy and organized and clean. And the accessories, oh my! So many stickers and covers and all kinds of stationery just tailored for this brand. Unfortunately they go out of stock really, really quickly, and because Japan loves its exclusives, sometimes there’s one shipment to the US and if you miss it, well then you’re just SOL. And they can get very expensive, so I just ended up buying a hodgepodge of accessories that I think are essential but are made by cheaper third parties. (So instead of a beautiful $8 first-party pencil board I got a $1.50 recycled plastic one. Works the same.) Right now I’m still waiting on the last bits to come in, which is funny, because this planner starts on Jan 1 of next year so I can’t really use it now anyway. It’ll just have to sit prettily in my drawer until then.

Now I know you’re asking: my dear, you already have bullet journals and actual journals and task notebooks – why do you need yet another planner? Well, to be truthful, I don’t. However! It makes me happy, and I think I want to use this as a dedicated work journal. So right now I use my bujo for everything – appointments, work goals, chores, food to eat, people’s contact info, etc. I mean, that’s how bujos are meant to be used – a catch all. But I found that I need a little bit more structure when it comes to prioritization. Right now I feel like my work goals get lost in the minutiae of everyday living. Write two pages, followed by doing the laundry, followed by phone call from a friend, followed by another page of writing, followed by a blog – it’s just so jumbled. Some days when I have a gazillion chores to do I might only write a little bit, but then I would feel like I achieved a lot when in actual work, I’ve done very little. And the reverse happens too. This is not conducive to accurately gauge how much work I’ve done and whether I am on track for my goals. If I have dedicated work planner, I’d be able to isolate my actual workload. Because you know, sometimes how much we think we’ve done is not necessarily how much we’ve actually done, and come review time we’re either caught off-guard how little we’ve accomplished, or don’t give ourselves enough credit when credit is due. And that’s just no good at all.

Or I just really like having such a cute and useful notebook by my desk. That’s a legit reason too.