Well, my surgery is tomorrow and I got myself Covid tested today. Still waiting for the results and the subsequent call from the surgery center confirming that the procedure can happen tomorrow. I hope so; I should test negative since I have no symptoms, neither does my husband, and we both have been doing as much shelter in place as possible since March. But it is getting late in the day and still no calls, so I’m getting a teensy bit worried. Oh well, not much to do but wait.
Covid testing was not fun. I got the up the nose really deep kind. I already had a bit of sinus issue from…I have no idea what haha. I’m guessing dry weather? Anyway, my nasal passage area isn’t doing well, and sticking a thin needle up there for 10 seconds does not help matters. No, it did not feel like your brain’s getting scooped out – it doesn’t go anywhere near that. It just felt exactly like the nurse told me: a tool touching the innermost part of your nose where it affects your nose, throat, and ear. My left ear ached for a while after, and my nose was running and my eyes were watering and it’s been a few hours since then and I’m still feeling wonky inside my left nostril. Ugh. They told me that false positives are less than 1%. Well, I hope I don’t have it. I really don’t want to do this again in two weeks or whenever (except I probably will have to because I have another surgery coming up and, yeah…) And if I somehow test positive, uh, that’s the most lucky (?) result then since I definitely gave it to my husband if that’s the case, but we’re both asymptomatic? I seriously doubt that. Anyways, let’s just hope they call me soon.
I started the Good Fridays series a couple of weeks ago and not gonna lie, I do like the idea. I am an anxious person and don’t appreciate the small good things in life often enough, and I think my mental health would benefit if I continue to do so. However, I’ve since realized that I don’t really need that pick-me-up on Fridays, because, well, it’s Friday! The day before the weekend, the day all your work is done and you can start relaxing. Granted my work is a bit more sporadic but the general sense I have on Fridays is not really anxiety. Plus, I have Friday Fictioneers and other things going on, so there’s usually not a dearth of topics to blog about on Fridays. I started the series so I can think of something good to soothe my anxiety for the week, but I think I might not have chosen the best day for that. Fridays are generally pretty good for me, mental health-wise.
Now Mondays, though. That’s a different story. Yes, we all know the “case of the Mondays” and I have them too. And with my work schedule usually it’s not because of work, per se, that makes it hard to do on Mondays. It’s that Sundays are grocery-shopping/chores/other life problems day, and with all the trappings of the pandemic going on shopping is usually a long and harrowing experience. So many things to disinfect and long lines and masks and all that. So usually on Sundays I just get exhausted by afternoon and then don’t really work that much, which leads to a lack of momentum so when Monday rolls around, I have even less desire to do work. So if there’s a day for a good old appreciation entry to get me going, it’s Mondays. So, I think this will work better if I make the series Good Mondays instead. I mean, who actually thinks Mondays are good? And that’s exactly why I need something extra to get through it productively.
Well, I don’t really have anything particularly positive for today though. I guess we can sort of count figuring out what works for me and what doesn’t as a positive? But next week, next week we will talk about good things. Among a whole lot of other things – like multiple upcoming surgeries. But, I digress. I do hope you all have a good week, everyone. And think of something small and positive today.
So my therapist told me that I should minimize going on social media to reduce stress. I agreed, did that for a week, and found that it helped. Now I only check the news and go on social media at the end of the day. However, I’m slowly finding that habit harder and harder to sustain. Not that I have an urge to check the news, per se, but that I need to do something else in its stead. There are just times when I want to relax a bit before doing work (like right after eating breakfast, or just coming in from exercise, etc.), and I used to fill that with endless reddit scrolling. I now found myself opening browsers to catch up on news during those blocks of times when I told myself I wouldn’t. Well, that just won’t do , will it?
So this morning instead of grabbing for my iPad I reached for my Kindle. I have so many books that I meant to read but haven’t started on a single one! Well, that is about to change, my friends! Or it has changed, because I spent 30 min reading a book, an actual book, instead of browsing the Internet and getting stressed/angry/depressed at whatever people are saying. It calmed me down and I even started work early because of the calmness! So I’ve decided that whenever I feel like I’m losing concentration, or need a break, I will NOT open an Internet browser, instead I will just get on the bed and read my Kindle for a few minutes. It’s been working so far, although the day’s not even halfway over yet, but I feel, dare I say, optimistic about it? I’ll of course keep you updated on how this’ll go. Maybe, finally, I can tackle my book backlog as well as quit obsessing over social media for good.
I’m feeling super unproductive today. The most appropriate phrase would be I’m ‘having a case of the Mondays,’ except it’s 5 o’clock on Tuesday, because my weekend was Sunday and Monday, because I actually worked a “normal workweek” and decided yes, I do need two days off just like everybody else that’s toiling away do.
Why is this significant? Well, this is the first time in a long, long time, that I actually took two days off. As in, I did the work I’m supposed to do, and in the two days that followed, not only did I not do work, I also didn’t worry about work. It was utterly and completely freeing, and I haven’t had that feeling in so long that I really don’t remember the last time that happened. Every day I spend either working but agonizing over that I’m not doing enough, or getting completely burnt out and unable to work and then agonizing over the fact that I’m not working. Every. Single. Damn. Day. For the past however many months – years even. I seriously do not remember how it felt to…not do that. To be honest it was a pretty weird experience for me the past two days. Like, the lack of pressure was so new that I have no idea what to make of it. Good thing I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow. I’m sure he’ll have loads to talk about over this.
I got out of the cycle because I had to submit to my writer’s group last Saturday, so I basically worked nonstop until I finally deemed my submission “good enough,” which was around 11 pm Saturday night. After that I just crashed. But the point is that I was done and more or less satisfied with what I needed to do, which was new, and so the days that followed were spent at peace instead of in mental agony. I’m hoping to keep this up – not that I’ll work nonstop or anything, but that I will keep a manageable schedule and take regular number of days off. And keep that up. Because it’s the only healthy way forward, I think. I’ve been mired in an unhealthy mindset for so long that to get a breath of fresh air is almost too overwhelming.
This doesn’t help today, though. I’m supposed to get back to work but I’m procrastinating like no tomorrow. The only difference is that I think I’m experiencing what normal people with a normal job feel like on a normal Monday, not what a depressed person feel like on, well, any day really. But let’s not jump the gun. I’ll update on how my therapist interpret this later. Right now, I just need to get back to work!