Life

And We Start It All

So let’s just be frank, this year is going to be the year of medical procedures. I, despite my relatively young age, am not in the best of health. Lots of weird little problems that could potentially become big problems, but aren’t yet, and doctors can’t pinpoint a reason why they’re problems in the first place. Seems to run in my family; the number of ridiculous discomforts my mother goes through on a daily basis with not even a hint of why they’re medically there is insane. Same for my grandmother. So, yeah, my base blueprint is pretty shite. That’s just about the gist of it.

Haven’t talked much about this, but my s.o. and I have been trying to have a baby for a while. A year or more, to be exact, to no avail. We went to a fertility clinic and found out that my Fallopian tubes are most likely blocked. Both of them. There’s a procedure to make sure but it requires incisions and after my myomectomy two years ago I am really not keen on getting cut open again if I can help it. There’s not much they can do medically to “open” them up anyway, so to speak, so we figure let’s skip the extra diagnosis and go straight to IVF. I went to an appointment today to sort out the logistics. (With a bonus ultrasound. Ugh. That was fun.) Well, it’s going to be super expensive, involve a whole lot of precise timing, and all in all I assume discomfort and stress throughout. Most of the expenses are not covered by any insurance because America. Plus there’s a few rounds of genetic testing because you know, I’m not a sprite 25 year old old and my family history has a lot of weird recessive genes. Too many variables to go wrong and money spent in vain, but, hey, it might be a baby in the end. I think we are lucky to have the resources to try for one at all. (To be honest I’m really okay with no children, but for my s.o. that’s a whole different story.)

I’ll keep y’all updated in the coming months. Don’t really have that many people to share the stress (or joy) with, and that’s precisely why we have the Internet, no?

Life

Happy New…Beginning?

Well folks, here I am, 2020. It’s a good way into January and I just managed to get myself sorted into the new year. The stay at my mom’s house for most of December contributed to it, and the medical issues I had did not help matters any, either. I know every “new year” is supposed to feel like a “new beginning”, as cliché as it sounds, but personally I have never actually felt that way. During my school years I’ve always associate September with new beginnings. But this year it was different. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s a new decade on top of the new year, perhaps it’s that I physically was somewhere else during the turnover and the flying across country made the change more pronounced. Either way, it’s a new year, and I, for once, actually feel like I’m starting anew.

I’ve spent the past two days getting over slight jetlag and getting my life in order. Mentally I’m prepping myself to face what looks to be a fairly difficult time – I’m facing a lot of medical procedures and my writing career really needs to get itself in shape or I might just give up on it. Not something I want to utter this early in the year but we gotta face the music, so to speak. My house is a mess and needs a thorough cleaning – not just dusting and vacuuming but going through every room and sort out the junk from the important papers. The shelves are overflowing and just thinking about it makes me cold in my stomach. It’s long overdue and I just never had the motivation until now. And this journal needs to be updated more regularly; I keep on saying this yet never actually do it. Well, that’s not going to continue anymore. I’m determined and afraid but you know, life goes on and I’m not going to be around forever. Again, a morbid thing to say, but sometimes our own mortality is the only drive that keeps us moving forward. I feel like I’ve wasted enough of my life – I’m not going to do that any longer.